a bird; a plane

perhaps it was the bad audio, but i couldn't truly get into dunkirk. it looked magnificent, but having a good cinematographer nowadays won't save your film. it was intense, yes. there's no denying the tragicness of the story. no denying its importance in history. but i couldn't shake off the fact that war was created by men, fought by men, won and lost by men. and now men are making films tributing their ancestors. there's a couple of women in the film, giving out sandwiches. taking care, of their lost sons and husbands. but in war films the braveness doesn't come from a cup of tea: the braveness comes from doing the extraordinary, something only a man can do. 

i get it, there were only men in the war back then so why would a film about the war have more women in it. and it shouldn't. however, i'm just personally so tired of all these stories of men. we're here now, glorifying honour in war. in war. who created the war? who created all the wars? i'm not going to say only men, but i am going to stand behind the fact that dangerous masculinity ideals; the patriarchy, is the reason behind war. not religion. pride, yes, that stems from masculinity. what about the women in history who have started war? well, what would you have done if you grew up in a family celebrating harmful and inhuman masculinity. even if we look around today, at all the dangerous leaders in the world. and their followers. they're not being led by a woman wanting to care and give out tea. boys will be boys, i guess. 

yesterday was a glorious day at bray air show. planes are absolutely magnificent. there's a childish thrill that comes along when you watch a plane up close. hear their engines. see them doing risky stunts. i almost cried when the irish coast guard came by and waved from their helicopter. we'll be there for you, we'll take care. from my memory there was one female pilot at the show, which isn't surprising when only 3% of women are pilots. there are many reasons behind the 3%, and this isn't a fact-based post so i'll skip it for now. 

men thought it was weird that girls were having such a reaction to wonder woman. they don't understand that everywhere we go we check in: are we being represented. is there a woman here? if you're a part of a minority group that becomes even more evident and important: where are people like me? are we once again watching white abled-bodied men doing what they do best (which is everything)? dunkirk didn't involve me. not only because i'm a woman, but because i just didn't belong there. i'm just a spectator. and sure, that's probably how many people felt back in the days; i mean who belongs at war (except for the people that start them: push them forward)? 

this blog celebrates softness. my life celebrates softness. in women. but also in men. femininity doesn't exclude machinery such as aircraft. making shapes in the sky, dancing through the clouds, making people feel things is not something that belongs to men alone. and i guess i'm tired of history thinking that it is just that: a boy's thing. boys get the toys. they get the hobbies; careers. they get the chance for big emotions, for making people proud, for doing magnificent things. they are celebrated and worshipped. they also start wars, they rape, they beat the women they love, they don't talk about their feelings which lead to mental health problems for us all. but lets forget all that and let's watch an old war machine in the sky doing things we are not allowed to do, and let's admire.

striving for balance

"how confident are you, on a scale of one to ten, that you'll achieve x", she asks me and the additional two people in the room are staring at me waiting for an answer that will impress them. i didn't want to tell her that it means nothing to me, that the goal we're currently discussing in the grand scheme of things is pointless. i give her a 7. she says its too low. she says if it's not eight or above then you need to adjust your goal; make it more realistic. and i thought that's a really good way of looking at things. i pretended, like we all do with some aspects of our lives, that i felt deeply about this banal work goal. i said with confidence that i i'm past eight, i'm more like a nine/ten. i convinced them this is important to me; i'm invested. i will do what you ask of me, and i won't complain because i know how to play the game. i know how to please you even though it has soul crushing consequences for me. 

i think of everyone who's trying so hard to live a wholehearted life but reality disables them to do so. we need jobs. we need money. we're community animals; we know survival means staying together. and when the society you're living in demands things from you that you necessarily don't agree with or like, you adapt. there is hard work involved being able to live outside the herd. to follow your own heart and make up your own rules. there's a privilege that comes along with being able to simply let things go. say no to people. to quit your day job. it's not easy. it's doable, but to assume it's a piece of cake is ignorant. i can't just go travel. i can't be honest at work meetings. i'm dependent on the money they pay me, so i can eventually do what i love. 

i was watching given on netflix. a fiction/documentary about the goodwin family; a surf/hippie family who travels around the world and visit different cultures. it's shot absolutely beautifully. and yes it would be amazing to have the opportunity to live such life. but i can't help but thinking as i'm watching it: how are you making money. where do you adjust. where is all the paperwork. hours spent at regular airports being regular people. things going wrong. the truth is the goodwin family is dependent on people around them to live their lifestyle. they must be. assistants. accountants. and so on. 

we're all trying to survive. and of course i see nothing wrong with seeing light in everything. that even though most of your life is just ordinary, to focus on the extraordinary parts. the travels. moments with family. views that are breathtaking. meeting people that are nothing but nice to you. meaningful conversations. delicious, organic, self-caught food. i guess i just also want to point out that while all that exist, and we should focus on it, we should also not forget that in the shadows we're just animals with obligations to our herd. unless you're extremely privileged, and more and more of those obligations disappear. you can be lion roaming free. abiding to no one's rules. but most of us are just lionesses with cubs. living in constant fear of having your babies eaten up by other lions. having the responsibility to feed one's entire family. tired. exhausted. but you strive to see the light instead. to enjoy play, sunshine, earth and its gifts. because all of a sudden it's over. gone. 

and with that in mind, i'm gonna carpe diem this day and the rest to come. i'll endure those meaningless work meetings. i'll enjoy those magical moments that follows. 

22 degrees of irish sun

with andrew working and his parents away for the night, i came home from work today having the house completely to myself (if you don't count the dog + two cats). me being on my own these days is rare. i listened to podcasts, had dinner outside and cleaned around the house. now it's closer to nine and i'm feeling extremely tired, watching netflix with tea on the couch. 

last night was so strange. i eventually got a migraine and wasn't feeling the best in general as described in yesterday's post. today i feel hungover, exhausted, drained. 

one good thing came out of yesterday though: me and andrew booked our holiday in the end of august! 10 days in lisbon. i can't wait for beaches, colourful streets and hopefully more sun. and also just to be alone with a for a couple of days! 

has anyone watched 'tales of light' on netflix? the 2 first episodes of the second season makes me want to go to kenya/tanzania so badly. like nature is so abundantly beautiful. lets all say a pray to mother nature tonight; thank you mother nature. bless and thank you. 

sunday pt 3

today i'm raw. 

woke up with dreams of work and fears for the future. there was a moment slightly after where everything was golden, where i was dancing around singing along to my favourite song, admiring myself in the mirror. fast forward one hour and i'm at a market place crying my eyes out in the car wishing my head was positioned under a moving vehicle. happy sunday! 

anyway, today is what it is. i'll accept it. pain arrives and then it goes away, like always. 

i've got some really exciting news! me and andrew got our approval letters from canada; we're officially accepted to their working holiday visa program! now it's just to finish off saving up money, decide on a date and then go for it. things are moving on, we're moving up. 

sunday pt 2

it's been a month or so since i last wrote a blog post. rereading my posts i realize not much has changed, except it's warmer now. my hair has grown. i've been trying to eat more veggies while also trying to not feel guilty about food in general (dismantling the notion that there's "bad food" for example). 

june has almost come and gone. i didn't really write anything. i didn't take many pictures. didn't update any of my social media (that much). i had a couple of really bad days. like really bad. i also had some good days. i took care of myself, every now and then. last weekend i booked a cabin for me and andrew and we had a mini-vacay in wicklow next to a river that we swam in and it was amazing. the weekend before that we went to the beach and andrew's dog chloe got beach sick due to all the salt water. but watching her enjoying herself like a teenage pup filled my heart up. the weekend before that we went to kildare village and had an amazing cobb salad and everything there reminded me of two things: 1) america 2) how clothes are not made for me and my body shape. in june we also bought a badminton set, and played badminton outside by the clothesline. 

i wake up every morning with dreams of work. let's just say they're not nice dreams. after that i go to work. and then i come home from work, too tired to really do anything else than watch tv and sleep. i'm positive, convinced, that there is more to life than this. we applied for something really big which i can't yet talk about. i hope we get it. 

Photo 13-06-2017, 12 04 54.jpg

june's not over yet. summer is definitely not over yet. there is still so much time. i'm gonna try to cherish it, gonna try to enjoy it and do it wholeheartedly. even though it's really difficult sometimes. this weekend i was feeling extremely homesick due to midsummer. i also know however that if i was home i wouldn't have thought it was that big of a deal. sometimes our brain feeds us with negative thought patterns automatically. we have to remind it to think otherwise. andrew has been amazing, as always. catering for me. trying to make me feel more at home. up for doing whatever it is i want to do. i'm so incredibly blessed to have him in my life. help, this is turning into some sort of letter to an old friend who i rarely talk to anymore. i better stop while i'm at it.

sitting in our bed drinking sugary strawberry + kiwi cider

dressed in soft tights and an oversized sweater. if this was a proper blog i suppose there would be pictures instead of me describing the situation. for someone who rarely takes pictures these days photography is still one of the main things i want to end up doing. want to be known for. it'll happen, one day. these days i'm enjoying balancing being anonymous and being selective in my sharing. focusing on words instead of pictures. focusing on being in a situation instead of documenting it. 

i want to accomplish my dreams. i want to reach out. i'd be nice to hear someone saying they enjoy what i do/write/say/think. but i'm not too fussed about being a semi-celebrity. and i feel like everyone is so focused on that nowadays. that you're not successful if you don't have a big following of some sort. it's a shame that expressing yourself equals branding. i'm guilty of it myself. of not writing certain tweets. certain facebook posts. of not commenting on one political movement / historical happening and not the other. of being very selective when it comes to my instagram feed etc. this blog is made with the intent of being more honest with myself and others. what i wish for is for things to be simple. for an uncluttered brain. for things to come to me naturally. sharing honestly. 

work is not going great at the moment. to be frank, it's tough. it's draining. but i'm doing it. i'm doing it all with a goal in my mind that soon, hopefully, i don't have to do it anymore. in my dreams i see andrew + me. a little house. a dog. doing things we love. i'm taking steps towards it every day. every minute, even though i don't realise it at the time. 

i'm not entirely sure which direction this blog post is going towards. i've been enjoying drinking one pint of cider lately, which makes me so, so, tired and relaxed and cosy. when i fall asleep it's like the blod inside of me is making shapes which makes me feel tranquillised. tonight i watched the netflix documentary of nina simone and it was amazing. goodnight.

living in deep time

after listening to this podcast twice already, let's just say richard rohr in his conversation with krista tippett on 'on being', won me over. 

[...] To be a contemplative is to learn to trust deep time and to learn how to rest there and not be wrapped up in chronological time. Because what you’ve learned, especially by my age, is that all of it passes away. The things that you’re so impassioned about when you’re 22 or 42 don’t even mean anything anymore, and yet, you got so angry about it or so invested in it.
So already, the desert fathers and mothers discovered this word “contemplation” because I believe they found the word that most believers use, the word “prayer,” to be so trivialized, so cheapened by misuse. Prayer was sort of a functional thing you did to make announcements to God or tell God things, which God already knew, of course. And they created another word to give us access to this deep time, and that word that kept recurring throughout the 2,000-year history of Christianity was the contemplative mind. It’s a different form of consciousness. It’s a different form of time.

anyone who really knows me knows i believe in "god" but i don't believe in the bible and i don't praise jesus or any other specific religious person or text more than the other. i believe in being connected to something larger and stronger. call it mother nature, call it what you want. do whatever makes you feel happier. personally i feel a quest to dig deeper and not just live life on the surface. which is why i'm attracted to people like richard rohr and eckhart tolle for example.

what rohr is saying in the quote above is something i believe deeply in. he's coming at it from a christian point of view, but essentially it's the same viewpoint many spiritual people come from despite what religious background. having a contemplative mindset saves people, whether it be with a religious mindset or not. you can be contemplative without believing in some "higher power". as long as you become conscious, practice the power of now, the power of being present. for me it helps me in moments when i feel a storm inside, when i don't have answers. at times like that i realise the importance of looking for answers within me, and not externally. to look at my reactions. to look for the reasoning behind whatever energy is controlling me. to accept and forgive and to stay in the moment and then let the moment pass in order to embrace the next one. 

[...] non-dual is where you move into both/and, where you don’t look for all-or-nothing thinking. And we’re seeing it in our political debates today. It’s almost the only form of conversation left is all-or-nothing thinking. And it’s amazing to me that we could have this many universities in this country and could have this many churches and synagogues and mosques and have so many people still at such a low level of consciousness that they read everything in terms of either/or. And that’s why all of the world religions, not just Christianity, discovered that you needed a different kind of software to deal with mysterious things, holy things.

MS. TIPPETT: And that software is contemplation.

FR. ROHR: Is contemplation, the contemplative mind.

MS. TIPPETT: Right.

FR. ROHR: It’s like putting on a different head, where — let me describe it this way, Krista — you let the moment, the event, the person, the new idea come toward you as it is, without labeling it, analyzing it up or down, in or out, for me or against me. It just is what it is what it is what it is, without my label. At this point in history, you have to teach people how to do that because none of us are taught how to do that. And that, for me, says that religion has not been doing its job for several hundred years because that’s what we were supposed to evolve people to, a higher level of consciousness that would allow them to do things like love their enemies, overlook offenses.

ugh, so good. the conversation goes on and talk about embracing vulnerability, which i'm all about. as someone who grew up sensitive but who identified at a later stage as a tough woman as a defence mechanism, learning to let go and show people i'm not powerful has been so important for me when it comes to self growth. if i didn't start that process i'm not sure where i'd been today. that place scares me. i'm happy i'm not there. i'm nowhere near where i can be, but i'm enjoying now. learning, listening, reading, letting go. 

next post will be a shorter one. less deep. maybe. if you want to listen to the podcast yourself, head over here: on being.

disconnect

there's a powerful inner stress originating from me constantly feeling the need to refresh and connect. working in front of a two big screens feeding me data for over 40+ hours a week, and aside from that always look for inspirations on various feeds and platforms. inspiration for what? i don't give myself enough time to embody the lessons learned. i'm not saying i'm completely consumed by screens, but i'm saying i'm realising how much more offline time i need. i'm cooking, but i want to cook more. i'm writing, but i want to write more

tomorrow i'm setting myself a challenge. to spend less time on my phone, as a start. to be more present, to connect more with myself. to come back and stay inside myself instead of sipping through the cracks. not punishing myself for looking, but reminding myself that it's ok not to look.

sonnet

saw on the news that sweden's covered with snow now. april weather never fails to amaze. here in ireland the sun is shining, but we're getting some of those icy winds from up north. have i ever been more swedish than this? starting a post with talks about the weather? oh well. 

this week i'm on the late shift. which means i get to sleep in, go for morning walks, and then stay late when the office is quiet and people are a bit more personal and emotional on the phone. it's fine by me, i don't mind. nine isn't too late in the evening. we still have time to watch 'the good wife' when we get home. 

most mornings you drive me to work. most afternoons/evenings you pick me up. it wont always be this way, it's just that you have time at the moment and i have daily anxiety which is being helped a lot by you keeping me company just for a little bit longer. less than two weeks ago we were driving down south visiting foreign places that seemed really familiar. you're always taking care of me. you drive me around, you feed me, you let me pick the music in the car. for that, and many other reasons, i love you, cherish you, need you and want you. 

File 25-04-2017, 10 26 33.jpeg